My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
