Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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