I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
