his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
