his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
