Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
