just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
