you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Randomize
