i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The air was thick with penises
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize