please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
me + whiskey = a bad person
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Randomize
