i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
