Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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