So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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