Ambien. No doubt about it.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
