Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
