Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
