I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
