so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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