i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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