Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize