If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
