Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
