So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize