I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
