she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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