I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
