Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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