how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
