I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
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