Ambien. No doubt about it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
