Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
