My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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