Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
