the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
