i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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