Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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