I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
