Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
