There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dear god my vagina.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize