mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize