Reggie can tackle my bush.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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