i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
