you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
