She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
