How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
