i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
