it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
