I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
