Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
