dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
