went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
