ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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