nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize