hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize