no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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