dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
