Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
