i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
