she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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