If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
