I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
it's like iHOP with fire
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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