I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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